Ji's Journal

12:22am: self love?
Lately I've been feeling extra critical of myself. I notice that all the little things I do sometimes add up to big problems. I used to dismiss my actions and mistakes - because they weren't anything I really intended. My actions were guided only by whims and my mistakes were due to the lack of logic behind those whims. I notice day by day that those things do add up. I'm not so young anymore. I can't be so irresponsible anymore. I'm still paying for the aftermath of my whims from 2-3 years ago. Sometimes I see people who are so well disciplined, so well focused and I am lost as to how they do it. Some even younger than I, and they still find the self restraint to refrain from urges they know they will regret later. Some even financially better off than I, and they still can find the self control to limit their budget.

I need to show more discipline. I need to show more self control, more self restraint.

5:26pm: the hours . . .
Remember back when I used to be full of pride and self respect?? It seems so long ago and I can barely recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. It's all very sad and disappointing that I can just crumble like this over some stupid . . . fling. It's sad really.

10:57pm: me? shopaholic?
I have been indoors for way too long. I haven't shopped for way too long. I've been broke for way too long. It's odd just how PICKY I am with shoes. I am not picky at ALL with anything else, but when it comes to shoes - I can be a real bitch. This usually results in me never buying shoes that I need or me settling and buying shoes that I really don't like. Today, I went to Aldo's on 32nd and found MY DREAM PAIR of summer sandals. And in 4 yummy colors too. I want them all. I must have them all. So at 60 bucks a pair, and 4 different colors - I'm gonna need 240 plus tax. I'm going crazy thinking about it.

My newest and most deepest obsession as of yet. BOYSHORTS. Must have all types of boyshorts in all different colors & prints. I bought a maroonish boyshort today with snoopy on it. I was giddy. I'm off to

4:13am: feeling a bit reminiscent
It's so late here right now. And I am officially an insomniac.

It's funny how I change so drastically. I took a survey and posted it here a while back. I'm doin it over. And try to see how I've changed.

( wish me luck )

oooh secret projects galore. yes, i go now.

5:08pm: you've got me going crazy
the past few days have been quite crazy. and it's definitely got be unstable.

perhaps it all started monday with me placing that unnatural phonecall. but it ended up okay because it was nice seeing an old face and bonding over our usual 3000cc of beer at our usual bar down the street. coming home from that felt unsettling. not in a bad way. more in a good way. like it kicked up something raw in me and that made me realize that the past few months i have not been me. and that led me to another phonecall, which ended in the finale of my drama with miguel. no more. and i felt damn good. i felt like i had done something heroic.

tuesday and wednesday were filled with bad decisions made on whims. tuesday i blew up at my brother and acted coldly to miguel when he told me he can't forget about me. wednesday i fought with my mom and acted snotty to my grandma as she frustrated me so early in the morning. wednesday i cried on the phone and told miguel i was wanting him back.

thursday was a long day of work with my mom & tiring conversations. i was again, heartless to him as he told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me. i was almost a zombie afterwork and stripped naked ontop my bed DYING to fall asleep so i wouldn't have to think anymore. thursday night, i gave in and went over to his house, our plan was to watch a movie. i felt helpless as he kissed me and held me tight - and so i let him. i left his house giving him the impression that i came over for that. that night i went home feeling dirty and took a shower at 4 in the morning.

friday was independence day. i went downtown to meet miguel & iza & manny for movie and fireworks. on the train over, i gave a random guy my number after he chatted me up. i felt a little excited at the thought of new people in my life - and maybe someone to distract me from miguel. met up with them and watched t3. fought moments where he held my hands and stole kisses - and somtimes failed and gave in. went to the billiards across the street from webster hall and wished i was there instead of watching them shoot pool. got to the roof of ghetto ridgewood around 10 pm and watched fireworks with the cool breeze and cold beer. everyone got drunk and engaged in deep thoughts / phonecalls to people we haven't talked to in years. roamed the streets of bushwick with miguel and held hands under the cover of night. got home around 5 am and left him the impression that we were back together.

woke up this saturday morning feeling extra hungover and extra cranky. set up paper lanterns i bought yesterday and ate lunch with my brother ignoring the urge to be on the phone.

( motorized leather pants )

i've got to get going now. i feel weird and twisted.

9:14pm: damn me
okay. i'm such a whore. how i got suckered into this ...

i joined friendster. damn me. now you all must join. :)

2:31am: back
i'm back here too. i missed this place a little more than i thought i did. the comfort of sharing thoughts with my group of friends. i'll write more in depth later. i missed this. i missed this.

4:40pm: be at peace
to be at peace with oneself... hm. i don't know quite how to tackle this. perhaps because i despise peace. i despise perfection. i need a little bit of hell to enjoy the heaven in my life. and so i refuse! 2003 is not going to be a year for perfection, but a year to appreciate the almost perfect things by reflecting on the very IMPERFECTIONS. another year, and another list of resolutions.


.:* display more self control

.:* indulge in my passions

.:* appreciate those things i too often forget about

.:* don't be scare to be ME

4:21am: on looking back, before looking foward
okay, i'im about to do something that i've been avoiding for a long time.


deep breath ... okay, here it goes -



it's been a year and one month and 16 days. it's been a long time. our end is something that i can remember with accuracy despite the immense effort on my part to have it disappear from my memory. the detrimental aspect of my undoing, of my coming undone (hence, the blog). with that having been said - let me continue.


i used to write every chance i get. i have a total of 7 personal blogs and 2 more where i can voice my opions and ideas amongst others. the reason why i kept so many is because i hunger for more and more places and environments in which i can unleash my thoughts. the hunger, is quite never satisfied. the last 6 months for me have been a downhill spiral. i like to refer to it as my downfall. i shyed away from intellectual pursuits and forced myself to occupy time with cruel and unforgiving reality. it's a dirty world out there. the REAL world. and you have to kill yourself for the sake of others. i grew alot from dealing with people and money, and the world - and its something that no textbook nor classroom can ever teach me. all this knowledge, did nothing but make me wicked.

but through it all, i still remained naive in matters of you. i still returned to my childwide eyes and tears glistened with thoughts of you. i matured, yes, but i remained in part - still foolish for you. it's been over a year now. a month and 16 days over, to be exact. and it's taken me that long to be able to say that to myself. these words - it's. over.

i wonder if we'll ever be again. and i swear to god i would trade a limb for you. but that remains still, my desires and very much farfetched from reality. the reality of the matter is - that i've long lost touch. that you've long disappeared. that i worry and worry, and i don't even have a fucken clue where you are. i write about you in my head everyday. words in rhyme replay endlessly in my mind, but not so much on paper. i think, but i've grown reluctant to express. to me, it sounds redundant, and imagine what it would sound like to others? some crazy bitch that can't get over it. and damn it it's been over a year. so i can't express. and i think i'm going to die from holding it in. i think my insides are going to burst and all those thoughts/memories/ideas/meantal images of you are going to splatter across the cold hard pavement of reality. then SURELY, i will have lost it.

i'm writing about you in the raw. i'm writing about you in the way i formulate my thoughts inside my head when i'm too scared to express. i decided i'm going to express no matter what, because that's all i can do to keep my sanity. and that's the only thing i'm good at - expressing. i've realized that alot of my downfall (the downfall sprial) has to do with my witholding from writing and expressing. my heart is not at peace, so how can anything else in my life be? so for MY sake - independent of you, i'm choosing to dwell in thoughts of you and putting it out there for the world to see. i confess. i still am, and will be, thinking of, longing for, and missing you. so fucken shoot me.

i feel like i can breath now and not choke on the air. perhaps honesty with self will lead me to a better place. the new year is fastly approaching, and i am welcoming it with open arms, an open heart, and an open mind. expressions will be plenty, and perhaps writing will be less sporadic (not to mention, less masked).

i think i'll be able to fall asleep now. merry belated christmas, and to all, much love.

12:23am: thoughts - troubling
the saddest feeling?

knowing that you were once something in someone's life (even if not romantic), and now realizing that you have absolutely no clue on how he's doing.

the worst feeling?

that you may be alone in feeling bad about this. and the other person has no regard nor desire to re-establish what's been lost.

....where the fuck are you.

11:23pm: i get stupid once in a while too, you know
And how DID I spend my day off from work?

I trooped my ass out to downtown manhattan, where I managed to get lost for the first time EVER. Damn this. This is MY city, how dare I get lost? That just goes to show how out of touch I am. But the good (?) thing is that we accidentally got lost and found ourselves at ground zero where they are rebuilding the wtc. There were so many tourists there, it was so unreal. Mobs of people surrounding walls of pictures of the horrible event. I don't know exactly how that made me feel. Kind of nice, because people came out to pay their dues, and respect and rethink what had happened. And then kind of bad when I saw vendors sitting down selling pictures and posters of the WTC at outrageous prices. But with every good comes a little bad, no?

It poured on and off, but we were lucky and didn't get stuck outside when it rained the hardest. I bought 3 posters of Tupac. I felt accomplished. :) I even picked up a little somethin somethin for jenapoo (I HEART & MISS YOU BABE!) and I am determined to personally deliver it sometime in the near future.

I spent so much money shopping. It's ridicuous. And how much have I saved up since I started work? hmm. ZIP ZEROoooooo .... "stingy with dineroooo, haha". I need more music. And less LIFE.

Oh, I also bought country apple scented wax bars for my difusser candle thingamajig. I have built myself a pretty handsome collection of candles/accessories. One would be proud. Maybe I'll go light all my candles tonight and wallow in a pool of self pity. Yes, that sounds like a good plan. HA.

I refuse to shop anymore. Not until I lose weight so I won't have to cry when I bulge out of everything I try on.

This whole entry has been about nothing but shopping and losing weight and feeling sorry for myself. Boy do I feel like your average day ho.

12:16am: random verse
who can know this pain inside?
who can give me what i need to survive?
the source of motivation, the force that urges me to go on
the warmth of compassion behind each twisting word,
unravel the puzzle and find the meaning that he wishes i saw,
you forsaw
our untimely meeting -
we met too early in life, we watned more than what we were given
i haven't forgiven
god for the tragic irony in our story.
you worry that
i know not what i say, that
i know not what i feel.
but you froget that
one loves with the heart, and not with our mind
doubt the rising sun but now this faithful dedication of mine.
you worry that
life comes with no garantees, and love is
no exception.
except when
my eyes refuses to dry when my mind refuses to
stream anything other than visions of you and i
as time goes by
your face is faint in my mind's eye,
but this longing, grows stronger and refuses to shy.

12:11am: some shit(s)
Last night was interesting, to say the least. I don't think I can overlook the course of events, but I can say that I won't hold it against you. You did what you did, because you wished to. You don't have to be sorry, but I also can't help but let it alter the way I thought of you. It's not necessarily a bad thing. The end.

- X -



Well, it has been brought to my attention that we are still being forced to deal with immaturity. Let it be known, I don't care about retarded bullshit. I don't really have patience for those things (unlike some lowlives, namely fara - who thrive in it). HOWEVER, I will say what I feel and I won't be threatened by some anonymous bitch who claimes shit like, don't mess with me, i will be your worst enemy. Bitch, really, I could care less if you claimed to be my worst enemy. My worst enemy who can only harass me within the limits of the internet. Please take your empty threats elsewhere, and definitely away from Nina. Report paperhearts all you want. And stop leaving long ass boring comments on Nina's livejournal that go round in circles and lead to no valid point watsoever. Ugh. I'm tired. I can't believe I came online and I had to read stupid shit. Nina darling, you have my support - but you know this. And Carolyn, you have my support as well. Keep your head up, and I know you won't let stupid shit like this get in your way.

1:02am: some things have to change. like, my life.

8:03pm: oh fuck off
i am off to brooklyn. yes i'm stupid. and yes i know. but fuck all of you and fuck your judgements. i had a weird dream last night. maybe that's affecting my decision making skills today. i spent an outrageous amount of money shopping today. and now i'm about to jeopardize an outrageous amount of emotional and psychological stability on something that i don't know is worth it. fuck me. FUCK YOU ALL.

on a side note, i love how i decide i'll start blogging here again, and i see nina being so active on lj. i miss you darling. and i'm glad we're back together. :) I LAVA YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

5:57pm: :)
what to do. i am ever so bored. will somebody please find me a job?

i feel silly.

( YOU GOTTA FIGHTTTTTT
FOR YOUR RIGHTTTTTTT
TO PAAAAAAARRRRTYYYY )

9:36pm: stolen surveys - stealthy (?) but still fun :)
Stolen from Erin Kelley. I <3 you darling! lol

1. If you could have anything delivered to your doorstep each morning, what would it be?

-a sincere letter from a loved one


2. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)?

-hawaii. it's overrated. HA!


3. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you've actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently?

-school IS important. grades matter to the world, even if it doesn't matter to me.


4. If you could wake up to one smell every morning (besides coffee) what would it be?

-the scent of a loved one. HAHAHAHA. (preferrably aqua di gio)


5. Suppose that right now you could be at your favorite vacation spot, reading your favorite book, listening to your favorite CD, and eating your favorite food. What would be your choices for those four categories, and who, if anyone, would be with you?

-the balcony of henry hotel, in south miami, florida. reading zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance by robert pirsig. listening to 2pacs greatest hits album. eating strawberry cheesecake. with andrew, shu, ellen.


6. Which animated character is your all-time favorite?

-hmph next question.


7. If you had to write a brief message on a dollar bill that many people would eventually see as the currency circulates, what message would you write?

-"& love endures"


8. If you could own a home on the shore of any body of water in the world, which waterfront would you choose?

-any shore. any body of water.


9. Suppose you had the opportunity to choose 3 people with whom to eat dinner: a famous sports figure, a movie star and a popular singer. Who would you choose?

-hmm, michael jordan, denzel washington, 2pac. WHOO. me and 3 hotties.


10. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life?

-passion


11. What activity that you have to do every once in a while do you dread the most?

-shaving. GRRR.


12. If you were a multimillionaire, what do you believe you would be doing at this very moment?

-having a huge dinner with all my friends. and goin to drink at my own bar, and then dance at my own club.


13. If you could have a cookie jar full of anything you wanted, except money or cookies, what would it be filled with?

-weed :) HAHAHAH. & i'm serious.


14. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job?

-i would like to be a web designer, and people would say ... "....oh". HAHAHA.


15. If you could have any round object in the world, what spherical item would you want?

-erm? a magic ball with all the answers to any question :)


16. If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes?

-I'd write, journal, scrap. cmon, those 60 minutes would not be enough.


17. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see?

-super slow motion, my favorite moments with andrew. so i can appreciate every moment.


18. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you?

-hmmm. computer? i'm always looking for books on photoshop/html/flash and all that jazz.


19. What do you forget to do more often than anything else?

-I forget to pee. IT HAPPENS!


20. If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be?

-To say what they mean, and mean what they say.


21. You've been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it's only 10 words long. What is your message?

-hmm. "19, single, likes walks on the beach. interested? inquire within" HAHAHAHAH. :-D i'm silly ;)

12:50am: are you that somebody?
is it my go, or is it your go?

i'm tired of playing these games. worrying about how my actions will be received. if i am in any way being an inconvenience. and at the same time, i hate that i have to worry about these things. and i hate you for not assuring me otherwise. i hate that i hold you up to expectations that you didn't necessarily ask for. you pranced into my life, and little by little asked for a part of me. just a small part. you didn't know that it doesn't work that way with me. it's all or nothing, but i know that. i should have forseen this. i should have warned you, or made myself unavailable. unapproachable. it all comes down to me.

so it is my go. and i need to set it straight. i need to fix it before it breaks me further.

11:11pm: His Voice
It's so characteristic of me to never write about what's going on in my physical life, but venture into every venue of emotional thought & feelings. I could be writing about leaving buffalo, coming back home, seeing friends, time with family - but all I want to write about is this longing, this uncertainty, this vulnerability.

I heard his voice last night. It brought back so many feelings and memories, so many shades of emotions. I wanted to hang onto his every word. I ached like I haven't been able to in so long. Why do we always come down to this? Me wanting him so bad, at a time when things just cannot possibly work. What I need to do is stop thinking about it. Stop letting it be a possibility, even a farfetched one only in my mind. I need to leave.

9:11pm: on coming back
I was going to write a long entry on leaving Buffalo and coming back to NYC. It's one of those things where I have to be in the mood to write about. I can't really explain what the next few months look like in terms of stability and independence, but I know that this is where I want to be despite all else. I miss Buffalo and I miss the people there with all my heart. Just talking to Niki and Erin makes me want to tear. It's amazing how much I've grown attached to these people. It's weird to wake up and realize that they're not down the hall anymore and instead they're a good 6 hours away. It's going to take a while. It's going to take forever. I miss them so much. I have to write more at another time. This isn't going to turn out good. (I'm sorry Erin, I'll write longer when I'm doing better. I don't want to sound dismal. I want to be strong.)

5:05am: &i want out!
I can't wait to leave. I can't wait to get out of here.

6:21am: Ready for Love - India Arie
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patience, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with a offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

12:18am: changes
wicked dreams that tempt me with the possibilities of the future. i don't know how much longer, but the wait is something i'm not enjoying. i realize just how ready i am for a change. for anything. for something. no more of this though.

i just get this feeling that i'm about to step into something major.

3:11am: bday III
B u NN ie 509 (4:05:09 AM): happy birthday sweet heart
xitsx SUPERKRISx (12:37:24 PM): happy happy berfday JiBaby!!!!!!!
Delya15 (3:47:07 PM): Happy Birthday!!!!!
LeMoNxSoJu (3:48:04 PM): happy birthday :-)
miss girlstar xx (6:34:08 PM): HAPPY BIRTHDAY my luv!!
Iil s a r a jane (7:55:31 PM): happy birthday ji honey!
NyCxTwinkLe (8:41:01 PM): Happy Birthday ~!!
RBlackmore88 (9:16:51 PM): Happy Birthday Ji!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
x XdozoX x (9:58:55 PM): happy b-day and good night
AnnaJ 83 (11:55:35 PM): happy bday
AC4ABS (12:56:24 AM): happy buday manly man
NyC DiNO83 (1:36:55 AM): Happy B-day negrooo

2:59am: bday II
cresent32 (12:26:32 AM): HAPPY B-DAY!
KIT816 (12:29:29 AM): HAPPPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY JISUN
m i s 5 n i n a (1:03:10 AM): HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL <3
IPinoyxSincerity (1:15:05 AM): happy birthday ATE!
HiyO jOanNa xP (1:49:04 AM): hey =] i know yur away but happy birthday =]
OoGgAa (1:49:31 AM): happy birthday hope u see this when u wake up